Smorgasbord

smor·gas·bord

   [smawr-guhs-bawrd, -bohrd or, often,shmawr-] Show IPA

noun

1.

a buffet meal of various hot and cold hors d'oeuvres, salads,casserole dishes, meats, cheeses, etc.

2.

an extensive array or variety: The company has asmorgasbord of employee benefits.

---Yes, I totally just webster.com'd that word. I wasn't sure how to spell it and must admit that every time I use it, I just say it fast because I'm not sure if I'm saying it right. Turns out it ends with a "d"...not a "g." Such a funny little word. I'm going to see how many times I can fit it into conversation tomorrow.

So that is what this will be. A blog displaying all the variety of thoughts running through my head right now.

First of all. I must say that I am so in love with my husband. Today we were sitting in the Target snack bar with our two kids (yikes...yes sometimes its still weird to me that we have two kids) I noticed Matt's temples are getting speckled with little dots of gray. Holy cow! Yes, he is only 32 (i confirmed it today)...but it made me even more in love with him. This man...who I fell in love with when I was only 18 years old, now has a few gray hairs. I like to tease him...but really I love it and think he is more attractive than he has ever been.

Ok...conversational whiplash.

I have been such a lazy runner/exerciser lately. Totally been taking the easy way out...while at the same time sneaking WAY too much of my kids Christmas candy from their Grandmas. Tomorrow I'm going to really push myself and not just put in a half-ass job to say I got some exercise and make myself feel better. I'm going to really push my body to do what it needs to do. Its the only way I will get all this weight off that I have accumulated during 2011. Plus...I know when I work my body and try harder, my mind is clearer and I'm a happier/healthier person. For some reason putting it on this online journal motivates me to actually do it. Plus, I owe it to my awesome friend Tammy who endlessly encourages me even though I have been the laziest running partner ever lately! Sorry, Tammy.

Oh yeah...this is a biggie I have been wanting to discuss and process.

Growing our family! My heart wants to. It really does. But I just still don't feel any clarity on how or when we are supposed to do that. Eli keeps telling me how badly he wants a baby sister and how he prays for God to give us one. I'm starting to really feel like if we are going to do this then we need to go for it soon...so baby #3 is somewhat close in age to the boys. But when I'm honest with myself ---I'm just not sold on either of the two methods of growing our family. I WANT to be pregnant again. As much as my body reacts poorly to pregnancy...I loved it. I loved growing a baby and laying in bed praying for that baby as I felt it kick. But doubt creeps in. So many people in my life let out passive comments about how it wouldn't be a good idea and some flat out tell me that it wouldn't be a good idea. I know Matt is worried about me being pregnant again. I am not afraid of being pregnant again. NOT AT ALL. My only fear comes from other people being worried. My experience with pregnancy was not picture perfect...but was a time that grew me so much in my faith journey. I trust in God and also find comfort in knowing I will be under the care of a great doctor. Although the thought of there being that chance of being on bedrest sounds terrible...I guess it is a risk I'm willing to take.

But I also love the idea of adoption. REALLY...I REALLY, REALLY DO. But I'm honestly scared to death of it. It does makes so much more sense given my history with pregnancy, but I just don't know if I'm cut out for it. I feel terrible saying that. I'm scared that I couldn't do it. That I couldn't be the Mom that the child deserved. I honestly feel so bonded to Eli and Simeon through carrying them and nursing them and seeing myself and Matt when I look at them...I don't know if I could do it without that. It sounds so terrible and selfish. I look at dear friends who have adopted their babies and they are amazing parents and I know their love for their sons is so deep and true and unending. I'm just so full of fear regarding adoption. This is likely because it is unknown. Before I was a mom I worried that I wouldn't love my first-born as much as I loved my nephew Sam. I seriously thought that. I was so crazy about being an aunt that I really prayed that I would love my son as much as my nephew and thought that it might be an issue. Looking back...that is just ridiculous. And then when I was pregnant with Simeon I was worried that I was screwing up Eli's life because he would have to share my attention and I was sure I couldn't love another child as much as I loved Elijah. This is such faulty and ridiculous thinking as I look back. Which I'm sure is the case with all these thoughts regarding pregnancy or adoption.

All that to say... I'm eager to discuss pregnancy with my doctor at my annual exam next month. And really I just want to be open to whatever God's will for our family is. That's it! I don't want to worry about what people say or think ...I just want to be open and willing to trust him with whatever path he has for us.

Ok...ready for another turn of thoughts. This isn't regarding growing our family, but just in general. I have had a stirring lately that after this next year there is going to be some big changes in our life and I just want to be open to them. What does that mean...I'm not sure. But I'm trying to be open and willing in all areas of my life to just see God move and do His thing. My mind keeps going back and forth between the desires of this world and the desires of God's heart. Sometimes its hard to differentiate between the two. I'm trying to listen.

___________________________

Ok...back to some usual light-hearted banter.

PUZZLES...its a lost art-form. I bought Matt a puzzle that is now sprawled out over our kitchen table. Its so fun to work on when you have a few minutes. This also results in meals being ate picnic style on the living room floor...but the boys don't complain. Someday when we have a bigger home (equipped with a dog and a 3rd or 4th child) ...then I think we should have a puzzle table that all the members of the family can stop and work on when they have a few minutes. I think maybe I'm an old soul at heart. Said "puzzle table" should also have Boggle out at all times with a few notepads and pens readily available. :)

I suppose I should remark on Christmas. It was pretty much the best Christmas that I have ever had. :) A good balance of being at home and traveling. We were all spoiled by all the Grandmas and Grandpas. And the whole season was just so much fun with the boys. They are at such a fun age. I REALLY enjoyed teaching them and celebrating with them all throughout the month. Great memories were made.

All right. Well, I'm glad I checked in here. A refreshing stop that I need to make more often!

I'm off to get a few more pieces in the puzzle before Matt gets home from his teaching-team meeting.

What have you been up to? Leave me a smorgasbord from your life in the comments. Really, I want to know! :)